The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
