not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
