That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
