The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
