This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
