I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
