Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
