No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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