Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
