4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I'm really busy with my period
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