Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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