his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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