pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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