i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
