u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
