i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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