I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize