After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she told me i tasted like america
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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