I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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