On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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