I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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