I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
