Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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