saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
