My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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