We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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