I looked at my own cervix.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
