someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize