OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize