i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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