we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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