Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
