do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
