My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
