how can u be prego again
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
