In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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