One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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