Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
