why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
