I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
