Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
