I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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