Sry I called you an 8
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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