i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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