Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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