The maid of honor just puked.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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