My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The beer is more important than you right now.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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