i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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