I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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