I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
