That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
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There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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