And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
