does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
