I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
