so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
