Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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